EJ Hassan

Written by EJ on 7/10/24

“I didn’t grow up believing in god. My parents went to church when they were kids but they were part of the generation that moved away from these traditions in Australia as they grew to adults. I think many of the beliefs completely conflicted with the people my parents were and are, especially my father. Instead my parents taught me about connection, love, life and loss in our kitchen, at the dining table, our rumpus room and mostly in our garden and the bushland next door, we spent a lot of time here. Also in the practices they loved and actively chose to participate in.

My mother an avid cook, sewer, a traveler and creative soul. My father a collector (hoarder), a documenter with numbers and lists, a beautiful hand writer, he was so proud of this and always talked about taking pride in the things you loved, both music lovers and a passion for spending hours and days in the garden growing vegetable and flowers and just being together. It was their rituals I would learn the most about dedication, being present and always showing up. Our house was busy with five children, both working, but they also made time for their crafts and passions. This was a lesson in fulfilling your own needs even when life was so busy.

It is completely intertwined with who I am and how I live my life every day. There are times where it would have been easier to not show up but I have always pushed through this…this has been very much an act of process during these times because at the opposite end of the spectrum on the the days that I feel I need my photography to show up for me, it has. It’s reciprocal! When I had this realisation five years ago it was the most defining moment for me as an artist. It’s a two way transaction. Right now this is very evident in my life.

I have 54 rolls of film to send off tomorrow to be developed. I have been photographing some of my hardest days battling this cancer and then when I hit rock bottom it shows up for me in the most profound way. It’s a glimmer, I have had these throughout the last nine months…a way for me to escape some of the most horrendous things you can imagine, both physical ailments, a result of my body living with and fighting this disease, but also in a spiritual way that when things get really heavy and I really need to check out from the world I can…a camera, my family and my garden take me to a place where cancer doesn’t exist. It is showing up for me continuously.

Possibly this has become more recognisable as I grieve my past life and am processing the fact I might not be here to see my children travel, study, find their passions, get married, have children, live their lives…see my legacies in them. I have always dreamed about the women in my family that came before me, why they made some of the choices they did. They always seemed to be showing up in a way that felt important to them regardless of their caretaking role. They showed me it was possible to do both on my terms.

Today when I think about God, I’m still conflicted but I do feel and believe there is something beyond this life and world. Photography has very much helped me see this.”